01 November 2008

My son is coming home for a visit!!!!!

Because I know that he will never read this, and that the people who will....well, might understand, I felt the need to say a few things before Mat gets home in the morning. So here goes...(Deep Breath)....I want to be proud of him, I want to believe that all of the bad behaviors have been starved, beaten, and sleep deprived out of my son. I am having trouble trusting.... he is really good at telling me what I want to hear, which means he knows.... he knows what he should be doing, how he should be acting and behaving..... but is he really doing it? I think that with him having been in GA, and very limited contact, I believed what he was telling me because I WANTED to, but now he is coming home and I am so afraid that he will act just like he did before he left that I almost don't want him to come.... What if it was all a lie? I don't think that I could live with the disappointment. I want him to do well so bad, but to find out that he has been having discussions with his father this whole time.... the one that didn't want to ever speak to him.... (Yes, he pulled that crap AGAIN) He is such a terrible influence... the drinking, the stealing, the drugs, the random sex partners.... all of this was allowed by his father. When he left here it really was to save his life, because he wouldn't have survived on the path he was on. But did it really change him? Who will he be when he comes in my front door tomorrow?? He used to make me laugh, he used to make me proud, he used to make me want to be a better mother.... but it has been so long, I HAVE TO GET PAST THIS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW!! I can not let him leave and not forgive him for all of the pain that he put this family through, because I would rather he be the person that he was before he left.... then never have the opportunity to tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him.